Hi God,
I do not know where to begin, if I am being honest, but I know that starting somewhere is a good start. So I lost my Dad — well, you are aware of this — but I do not think I have ever discussed this with you. I never really knew him, and although he was a very charming man.
He left us at a young age for greener pastures but never returned until years later. During that time, I was unsure where he belonged in my life. Yes, he was my biological father, but that is all there is to him.
I sometimes ask myself, ‘Was I angry at him?’ but I cannot seem to muster that feeling. The bitter truth is, I do not know how I feel. This is something I have not discussed with anyone or analysed the impact it has on my life.
From a young age, I envied those whose fathers were present, those who were privileged to have a good male figure in their lives. I am not sure how many people are lucky to have that, but from the few I have seen, it hurts to know that I would never have that again in this life. Yes, I know you are my Father, and I also realise that you have been with me all along, but I still did not understand how he could just move on, have other families, and be fine.
Why do people bring young ones into this world if they are not going to love or be with them? Why burden the innocent? Life is hard enough. Maybe this is why I do not have the desire to have children.
I guess I should say I am fine, but you know me better than I know myself, and for the first time, I want to give you this hurt I feel inside. I know it would not benefit me if I do not address this.
How is it that this disappointment still feels recent even though it has been a few years? Whoever said time heals all wounds was probably very high on hope.
I guess I would say I am sad rather than angry. I mean, why be mad at someone who is dead and long gone? I have wondered for years what truly went on in his mind. From the stories I heard, he sounded like a great guy — as I said, the man was too likable for his own good — but now I realise he probably cared in his own way; that was all he could give at that point in time.
I am actually frustrated that I have to write about this, but I cannot keep ignoring this nudge in my spirit. I know I need to start my healing process. I kindly ask that you help and make it easy for me.
So this is me surrendering, and leaving this here. Here is my letter to you.
—Yours faithfully,
E.D
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