Dear Father,
Remember the first time I said yes to you? No, not that time, but the real first time. I cried for hours on that dirty carpet that smelled awful. Swollen lids and a running nose; I could barely speak. That moment transformed my life. Clutching my chest, I remember the warmth that spread through my limbs. The love that washed over me, and for the first time, I could breathe.
I know you are here with me, but right now, things are not going well for me. I feel lost, and I have this urge to rebel against you. I want to remain angry because it makes me feel justified, but what does that solve? It’s so easy to turn my back and curse at you, but I honestly know that I cannot be separated from you ever again.
This is not the life you promised me, but I have to remember the days I heard you freely. Sometimes I wonder, if am I not treasured anymore because I’m part of the ninety-nine herd? Do I need to be who I was to hear from you again? It is so, so hard. I know you did not promise me a life free from sorrow, but the silence is killing me.
Last night I had a dream, I saw the shimmering of that bottle that used to be my temporary solution, and I could taste the harshness of alcohol. I do not remember everything, but I was quick to pray. I cannot turn back to drinking; the devil tells lies again!
So, my Dear Lord, I beg you with everything that is in me, remind me again of your generous love and kindness. I pray that you cradle me in your arms. I do not want to discover life outside you, I cannot imagine it! Save me from my rebellion. Whatever you have to do, just please do not let the enemy steal my mind, my hope, and trust in you, for I am so weary.
When you told me to read the book of Luke, I actually thought I had heard it wrong. You know how I do not always trust what I hear, but I am glad I obeyed. Now, at chapter 18, the story about the persistent widow seemed to speak deeply to me. How are you this meticulous? How are you this intentional? How did this verse today be a sudden reflection, to take courage and not give up when all I want to do is the opposite?
It’s moments like this that encourage my spirit, it’s times like this that give me hope, that I am not doing life alone.
So here I am. Still yours. Even now.
— a soul still learning to wait
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