Hi God,
It is your daughter again, and I have a few things I would like to get off my mind.
I know I am supposed to walk the narrow path, but there is something heavy in my spirit right now. My best friend just met the love of her life, and I cannot believe it. I am happy for her. At least I think I am.
This is a woman I brought to the faith. A woman who allowed any man into her life who did the bare minimum. It took me six years to convince her to become a Christian — she did not even want to get married — and here she is, one year into the faith, and she has met the most incredible man I have ever seen. He is exactly what I have prayed for. Exactly!
Father, have you forgotten how many times I stayed back in church to pray? How many times I cleaned up after service? I have given ten years of my life to walking with you, and yet you cannot do this one thing for me. You cannot give me the one thing I desire more than anything else in this world.
I have been a role model in my community. I have served you without asking much in return. And now watching her get engaged is doing something ugly in me. Something I am ashamed of. How could you give someone else my dream — and give it to someone so close to me?
I have tried not to feel this way. I have really tried. But every time I see them together, the envy is so heavy I can barely breathe. I have not been sleeping. I am losing weight. Some days, it is nearly impossible to pray.
Lord, this is not who I am. This is not who you created me to be. I need your help because I have tried to fix this in my own strength and I have nothing left.
My soul feels lifeless.
How do I stand at her altar as her maid of honour with a smile on my face? How do I do that? How do I show up for her when something inside me is breaking every time I look at what she has?
Do I keep my distance? Do I step down as her maid of honour and retreat to where we started? I do not know. I genuinely do not know.
My faith has been murky lately. I will be honest with you — I am angry. Some days, the thought of praying makes me so livid that I cannot even get the word “amen2 past my lips. Do you not love me anymore? Were all the sacrifices I made not enough for you?
I do not know what to think. But I do know this — if you do not deliver me from this, I will be lost. I cannot carry this alone.
Please, Father. Help me.
_____Cecelia
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